out of my head now

2011-08-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

As soon as someone does something that upsets me, I start considering what I could post on facebook/twitter that will point out their flaws and make them feel guilty. It's usually something sarcastic, because for some reason, I feel like it doesn't reflect badly on my character as long sarcasm and humor are involved. I mostly always convince myself not to do it. Then I start thinking that a blog might be better. Maybe others will identify with my frustrations and I'll feel better about myself and they will feel worse. In reality, they probably wouldn't feel guilty even if they knew it was about them. They would probably just get angry and what does that solve?

When I think about it, the sarcastic comments people post are just letting their insecurities show. Yeah I may initially find their comment clever/funny, but it takes a lot bigger of a person to actually just talk to the person who is bothering them rather than trying to get the internet on their side.

It's just so difficult to actually confront someone with what is bothering me. In the past when I've confronted someone, they have responded by letting me know the things I do that bother them. I like to think that I do no wrong, and I don't like my illusions to be shattered. Quite the dilemma.

facebook ruins my life

2010-02-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

The chat feature was not working right on my Facebook until an hour ago. I don't know when it stopped working, but it definitely did not work any in January. Before it stopped working, I communicated through chat pretty regularly so it is really funny that i didn't notice it wasn't working until tonight, but it was kind of sneaky. I could see everyone who was online, but when I clicked on someone to talk to them, it said they were offline. I thought it was just coincidence that when I decided to message someone, they immediately went offline. It wasn't until tonight that I decided there must be a problem. I clicked on everyone who was online, and they all had apparently gone offline as soon as I clicked on them. I googled my issue, and it turned out that others had the same problem and that another part of it was that other people couldn't see that they were online.

It did affect my life. I've been living at home since graduation and don't see much of anyone besides my family. This made me want to talk to my friends who don't live here even more (I don't like talking on the phone very much). I found myself making comments like: "I haven't talked to anyone in days" and "I feel so disconnected from the world." At one point I got a text asking if I was alive. I was thinking: "Of course I am, but why do you go offline every time I try to talk to you."

I also wondered why no one ever initiated conversation with me. I would see people online that I hadn't talked to in a while, and I hoped they were curious about what I had been up to, but no messages ever popped up. I also wondered if the people I had repeatedly tried to talk to were just signing out as soon as I tried to talk to them, because they hated me for some unknown reason.

It might even explain why I had a long conversation with a guy on a free dating site who was looking for a girl to join him and his wife in fun night time activities. I mean, I needed to instant message with somebody.

The effects of this mistake may have gone even deeper. I wonder if now that I've fixed the problem, my life will take off in a positive direction. I'll let you know.

The conversation that happened as a result of my dad answering my mom's cell phone:

2009-11-12T07:38:00.000-08:00

Dad: "Hey."

Me: "Hey, where's mom?"

Dad: "She's in the shower."

Me: "Oh, I just wanted to talk to her."

Dad: "I don't want to get the phone wet."

Me: "I can wait until she gets out of the shower."

Dad: "I'll tell her. Bye."

Me: "Bye."

2009-10-06T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell for a class. It is really interesting so far. It makes me see success differently.

Today is my day to work on the things I've been putting off. I'm not excited about it. My brain always goes off in several different directions, because I have so many things that I want or need to do. It's hard to just focus on one thing and get it done.

I'm excited about every weekend of this month. This coming weekend I'm doing fun things (miller's, movie, pumpkin patch, corn maze) with Katie, Barbara, and Shelly. The weekend after that is my fall break. I'm definitely looking forward to some extra days of rest. The next weekend is Bethel's homecoming. I want to see the choir and all the people I miss. Finally, the next weekend after that is Halloween. We are planning on having a party at the apartment. We'll see how that goes.

BLOG

2009-10-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

I applied for a job yesterday. I got so stressed out and nervous just applying. It's really freaking me out. It would be so nice to have a real job and not have to worry so much about my finances. I'm praying that I get the right job and meet the right people. I want to learn and grow and use what I've already learned. I want to work with people who inspire and motivate me.

Woohoo!

2009-09-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is payday, and it's really pretty outside. I got some awesome groceries at Kroger, but the organic section sure is pricey. This semester is going by too fast, and I'm afraid of what's on the other side. Oh well. At least I won't have to go to classes anymore. I really have so much to do that it's overwhelming, so I don't do anything. I'm about to work out, take a shower, and maybe read a book outside. :)

The break is over.

2009-08-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I think I'm getting ready for the hardest time of my life. I think it starts Monday.

I'm finishing my three week break from school. It wasn't too bad. I got a little better at piano, had a fun weekend with my sister in Murfreesboro, got a mac and a new ipod, visited two of my best friends in Memphis, and spent the rest of the time doing nothing.

Now it's time to start my last semester of college and graduate with a Masters degree. Never thought that would happen. I'm 23 now. I think this is my year. I think it will be really difficult and really great all at the same time. I'm excited about Katie coming to Nashville. Fun times HAVE to be had with Katie so close by.

True Blood is my new favorite show, and Eric is Meekus! That's like... the greatest thing ever!

I'm a sucker for Canadian teen dramas.

2009-05-17T17:08:00.001-07:00

I really like The Best Years. I've been watching it online all weekend. Watching The Best Years makes me kind of miss living in the dorms at Bethel. Things were much simpler then.

I've also been playing on the Wii Fit a lot lately. I finally unlocked all the yoga poses.

I'm getting ready for life to get crazy on me again, because I have to move into a different living situation soon. I also graduate in December. Which means I'll have to find a real job and grow up for real. Scary!

spring break 09

2009-03-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

This is spring break: sitting in my room either reading, thinking, or twittering. It isn't bad. I'm kind of enjoying the break. It's the first time I haven't spent it on a charter bus. I watched Australia last night with my parents. It was looong, but I enjoyed it for the most part. I saw Watchmen today with Mary and her bf. It was looooong, but it is a really good movie.

My mom had her surgery and got a good report from the doctor. No more cancer.

I'm still learning new things about life all the time. Every second is another decision, and I hate making decisions. I've been studying the enneagram more. I'm definitely a nine.

I'm pretty sure I'll graduate this December. Kinda scary. Life goes on.

Things

2009-02-24T11:04:00.000-08:00

It's crazy how sometimes things hit me out of nowhere and make me feel sad. It takes a few minutes for me to recover and change my thoughts to make myself feel better. I start to want to protect myself more and hide away from all the things that I don't like.

In other news, I'm reading this:

I feel pretty alone in this area of my life.

I've also been catching up on Lost Episodes. I'm on season 3. That's the extent of new things in my life.

V-Day 09

2009-02-14T20:39:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is not my enemy. My plans for the day were to work on homework, watch a movie by myself while eating chocolate, and not get too depressed.

I thought since basically everyone I know is in a relationship, that the last plan on the list would be hard to avoid, but it wasn't. Chad (my roommate) and I went to La Siesta. Yummy food and a margarita made me feel pretty good. We came back and played scrabble and watched some Lost. I got some love from my friends and gave some love, too. So what if it's just through text messages. That's how love is transmitted these days.

So the last thing on my list ended up being the only thing I accomplished. I tried to encourage a friend who was feeling down, did some yoga that made me feel good, and spent some quality time with my roomie. So Valentine's Day was just another Saturday for me. If it was more than that for you, then I hope you had a great time.

God is completely good.

2009-01-28T21:48:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to get disgusted with the dumb, trivial things that monopolize my thoughts. I guess it's good that I'm finally noticing this and not liking it. I've been dealing with jealousy a lot lately, and doubting myself, and worrying about things that don't mean anything. I like to complain about how bad my life is when it's not that bad and so many other people have it way worse than I do. I know that God wants me to trust him and rise above these things that bother me. I get a sermon of the week podcast from ibethel.org. I definitely recommend it. I've also been reading My Utmost For His Highest. I've already been through the entire thing at least once. It always tells me something that puts my perspective back where it should be.

School is going to be tough this semester. I'm definitely being stretched. I know that's good for me, and I know I'd start to hate just sitting around while my brain wasted away. I'm trying to be thankful for where I am and what I'm doing.

Lately I've felt like any day can bring something that changes everything.

Spring 09

2009-01-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

I wonder how much longer I'll think of my life in semesters. I started this one on Thursday. I had to work from 8 to 4:30 and then had class 6 to 9. It was a hard day. Nothing ever stays the same. Rachel moved to Texas, I'm now working for someone whose first day was Thursday, and I'm finding that I don't have many people I can depend on around here. I decided to stay for the long weekend. Both of my roommates went home. Jami and I went to a potluck for homeless people Friday night, and that was interesting and fun. Yesterday I spent pretty much the whole day by myself. I had not done this in a very long time. I cleaned my room, finished the Twilight Saga (loved it), and spent a lot of time just thinking. I slept in today. The only thing on the agenda for today is grocery shopping and maybe laundry. This semester will not be easy. This time in my life is not easy. But no one ever told me I would have it easy.

January 2009

2009-01-09T00:19:00.000-08:00

I read through my old posts and realized I have some things to update. I finally finished reading the Harry Potter series. I thought it was good, but not something I would have regretted missing if I hadn't read it. I read it because so many of my friends talked about it so much and how good it was. I didn't like it as much as they all seem to. I didn't want to give in, but I did, and now I'm reading Twilight. I am enjoying it more than I should. I have a lot of trouble making myself put it down. It's way more my thing than Harry Potter is.

It's getting to the part of the break where I get sad, because I have nothing to do but sit at home (and read Twilight). I'm ready to get back to Murfreesboro and start work and classes again so I won't have so much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I got this for Christmas:
The other night I made ratatouille and apple crumble. It was really fun. The most exciting thing about this present is that it was a surprise. It was wrapped and under the tree when I mentioned to my mom and sister that I wanted it. I had no idea they had gotten it for me already. I also bought a Wii yesterday with my Christmas money. I had to track one with itrackr.com because I couldn't find them anywhere, but I finally did.

good monday?

2008-10-06T18:54:00.001-07:00

I thought that was an oxymoron.. guess I was wrong. I actually had a good day today. It's the little things. I got a phone call from a friend I hadn't talked to in a while, I actually learned something in my class, I was semi productive at work, I figured out what classes I'm taking in the spring, and I also found out that I could possible graduate a semester earlier than planned.

That last good little thing on the list got me to thinking about the future and what it may hold. That would mean I could find a job, hopefully a well paying one, and be done with school forever. I'm pretty sure I don't need a Ph.D.

I went to church Saturday night. Saturday night services are good for me, because waking up early on Sunday morning is something I never do. It kind of gave me a new perspective on things and reminded me that I need to treat my job and my school work like it's actually important. That wasn't what the sermon was about. It was just a side note.

It is time for midterms, and I'm not too excited about it. I don't want to spend my fall break studying. It should pay off one day, though.

Yay for October.

2008-10-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

October is my favorite month. It's the middle of the semester. I'm very stressed out about school and work. It doesn't really make much sense, because I have plenty of time to get all of my work done, and I definitely have the abilities to do well. The thing is.. I have a self-confidence problem. I just have this idea in my head that I can't do the things, that logically, I know I can do. This doesn't just apply to school or work but to most areas of my life.

I went home this past weekend. My mom had a box of books in the living room floor that she was going to give away. Of course I had to look through them all and make sure I didn't want them. I found this book: "The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence." I need to know these secrets. I'm sure it will be a lot of stuff I've heard before, but it's always good to be reminded.

I'm also about to start reading "Jesus wants to Save Christians" by Rob Bell. We are going to have a little book club... kind of exciting.

I really want to make some big changes in the way I live my life. I have to take it a day at a time though.. and today I feel like I have every other day of my life. I just want to sit here and dream that I'm someone else, somewhere else. That doesn't get me much, though. I need to get some homework done, and I kind of want to paint a picture. I need to make my room look like a place someone would want to be and sleep. Right now it looks like a place where people pile up stuff that doesn't matter to them.

So I think I'm going to start painting since it seems like the most fun out of those options.

Lots of stuff

2008-09-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

First of all I'm very excited to say that I beat the Hula Hoop Record on Wii Fit. I tried about 15 times to beat Lauren's record of 322 and this morning I got 323. That was quite an accomplishment.

Also I made a music myspace and uploaded two songs. http://www.myspace.com/yourfriendcarrie
They aren't all that great but I'm glad to be doing something with my life instead of just browsing the internet all day.

I've been learning spanish from playing the nintendo ds game My Spanish Coach. It's lots of fun. I think I might purchase My French Coach when I finish with the spanish one.

I've been reading the Harry Potter books. I'm on the fifth one. I'm ready to finish so I can take on some other reads.

I'm happy at this point in my life.

I have a lot of work to do

2008-09-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

Ok.. let me just start by telling you a little bit about myself. I just graduated from a very small christian liberal arts college in west Tennessee. I am now attending a freaking huge university in middle Tennessee. I'm getting my masters in computer information systems. The truth is I'm only doing it because I got a graduate assistantship so it is paid for, I didn't have any other plans for after graduation, and I always wanted to live in this area. Because of this, I have homework due at midnight that I really really don't want to do. I would have never chosen this major. It's just the offer I got. I didn't have a choice. I'm hoping things will just fall into place nicely like they've done before.

I decided to come back to blogspot. I have a myspace blog, a livejournal, and a xanga. But I want to write for the general public and pretend that someone will stumble across my blog and care what I have to say even though they have no idea who I am. It's nice to think about.

I've been writing songs lately. If you knew me you'd know that it's kind of weird for me to be writing songs. I want to put a music myspace. That's something no one would expect for me and that is half of it's appeal. The other half is that it gives me something to work at and think about that I actually enjoy. It's really helping me put off this homework, too.

That's all for now. I don't need to ramble too much on my first post. I doubt anyone will be reading this anyway.